I Said Okay 35 Times

Is it okay to be okay with not being okay?

This sentence really fucked me up.  The first reason being because I’m dyslexic and reading things is hard, and also it has three okay’s in it and that’s just confusing (lol I wrote the fucking sentence though), but the second reason is because how can one simultaneously be okay while not being okay?  It feels like an oxymoron.

But lately it’s exactly what I’ve been.

Recently I have been physically not okay.  A lot of doctor’s appointments, a lot of waiting for answers, a lot of never receiving these answers and a lot of that over and over again.  It’s my new normal.  It doesn’t feel strange anymore.  Getting stuck with needles is easy now, advocating for myself to doctors is now just a part of my weekly routine and now crying over receiving negative test results from a very peppy nurse is just a part of my life.

Once I realized this may take some time, that I may not find the answers as fast as I first thought, I had to adjust.  Adjust to the not okay.  I had to become okay with not being okay, and then decide that that’s okay.

It is okay to be okay with not being okay.  Because sometimes we don’t have a choice in the matter, sometimes we don’t get to choose if we’re okay or not.  We get sick, we get hurt, we fall down, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t allowed to be okay with the not okay.  And I know this is confusing, it’s confusing the fuck out of me and I’m the one writing it, but it also makes perfect sense at the same time.

Because when we think about it, humans are really always doing this.  Always feeling a million things at one time, always being okay while simultaneously not being okay.  It’s just that recently I have tuned into this and started noticing it.  Like today, as I drove home from work I was feeling like shit, it was my first day back in two weeks, I only lasted about 4 hours and I got virtually nothing done, but I was also singing Fleetwood Mac (yeah I’m a hippie bitch fuck with me) with my windows rolled down and feeling like an actual Stevie Nicks goddess at the same time.  I was literally not okay, but still okay in that moment.  And I’ve started to not only be okay with this, but actually really love it.

I love how my mind and body can be so many different things at one time.  And I love how I can tune into the parts that I want to listen to. Like last night, I was physically not okay, my back hurt and the brown circles around my eyes were really upsetting me, but I also was talking to someone I love and laughing harder than I’ve laughed in a long time.  In that moment I got to choose to ignore the pain and ignore the circles and focus on the laughter and the person I was talking to.  I was able to not only be not okay and okay at the same time, but choose to focus on the okay part for a while.  And that just amazes me.

But it took me a minute to get here.  When I first started noticing how okay I was with not being okay I was terrified.  I was afraid it would take away from the not okay.  I was afraid it would invalidate my not okay-ness; that it would change the anger I felt about not being okay or maybe even make the not okay seem fake.  But it hasn’t.  It hasn’t because we as human’s can (oh no not again) be okay and not okay at the same time!  Being okay with the not okay doesn’t change the anger, it doesn’t change the sadness, it doesn’t change shit, all it does is make it bearable.

And I think as humans that’s all we can ever really ask for; to have the not okay be bearable.  And I know this sounds like a lot of “self-help Instagram fake bitch” bull shit, but trust me it’s not (well maybe it is idk I’ve drank the Kool-Aid please forgive me).

But now I’m going to stop writing before I completely blow my “I hate the world and everyone in it” aesthetic and leave you with this completely random quote by my 19 year old cousin who is even more narcissistic than me: “What else is there to do but fucking talk?

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